My name is Carmen

My brain is awake. I'm sitting at the VA waiting to see my doctor and my brain is awake. Which is a strange occurrence. Usually is my body who wants to get up and go but my brain is stuck in the Colorado mountains during winter season. Y'all ever try to drive through dense fog? That's what thinking feels like on most days. But today, my brain wants to go, unfortunately it is my body fighting bronchitis that does not want to move... or breathe. The doctor's an asshole  but I don't care. Met plenty of assholes before, I don't mind them as long as they do their job and she is  At least this time she's typing down stuff in my records, which I'm thankful for. I was having a good morning today. That song "Good life" was playing in my head despite me not knowing the lyrics. This doctor's an asshole. No biggie, though, notin a cup of coffee cannot fix  Lemme get sum joe 😉 

I have accepted the fact that the love of my mother will never arrive. It brings me peace instead of agony, to know that I am ok, that I will be ok and that I am no longer a little girl in need of nurture, tenderness, or caressing. I am ok... I will be ok. I have decided to stop seeking motherly love and acceptance, I no longer hold strangers accountable for her dues or neglect. I am ok... I will be ok. On the other hand, I cherish my blessings: the love of my children, the wonderful company of my sweet husband, my soon to be grandchild and the strength of my son. The joy it brings me to see him thrive in life, reach for his dreams unafraid or sometimes afraid but with the courage and hunger to try still. I find inspiration in my first born. Things that have worked for me in combating MDD, GAD, and PTSD: Naps; napping whenever and wherever I need it without blaming or judging myself. In the beginning I felt sleepy all the time, it was as if I had spent half a century without sleep....

 My grass needs mowing, its almost four feet tall. I had no idea three days of Georgia rain could sprout a tiny version of the Amazon in my own back yard and I am embarrassed to say I don't know how to use a weed wacker, I used one a long time ago but I forgot all about it. People here have quoted me anywhere between 180 and 750 to cut it. Yard clean up they call it, I guess it depends on who you want cutting your grass...  Yesterday I visited my 84 year old neighbor. It was both draining and hard because I felt like crying the whole time I was there as I listened to her talk about how much she has loved living her life and how many accomplishments she accumulated over the years. She is so full of life... Sertraline? Oh yes! I almost forgot. It's been working; I take it at night and it knocks me out within thirty minutes, no nightmares, no anxiety just peaceful sleep. However, on days when I don't get enough sleep my brain is a wholesome fog. It's like the Andes up ther...

 I hate going to the VA because it feels like I'm still in the Army. No one listens, the pretend they do but even their pretending efforts are extremely poor and anyone can tell they are not interested in you. I tell my story, over and over again. I tear up, they tear up, then they type for twenty minutes or so. Say ok, we are done, see you in two (sometimes three) months and continue to type without ever looking at you. I once had a nurse practitioner do a 60 minute intake without looking at me once. She stopped and said "Asian" then paused for a brief second. I was confused, she repeated "Asian or Puerto Rican?" and I wanted to slap her dumb face and leave. However, getting the meds was more important than educating an ignorant health provider so I said "Neither"  Several providers act like that. Many won't even ask you what meds you have taken in the past, what worked, what didn't work and what is your diagnosis. They confirm name and date o...

Mi fruta favorita es maracuyá. Aquí la conocen como passion fruit y en otros lugares le llaman parcha. Lastimosamente, la fruta debe de ser importada, lo que la hace inaccesible. Muchas de mis personas favoritas se encuentran en mi familia, pero el costo que representa tenerlos como parte de mi vida es demasiado alto para mí. Es inaccesible.

I have bats in the attic. Don't know how many, maybe it's just a few but everytime they bat their winds around I get dizzy and confused. Most attics have bats in them, some more than others, those who claim to be bat free  harbour bat remains and talk to their ghosts when no one sees them. I think it's time I go up there and bring them a snack, a peace offering if you may. I think it's time to make the bats my friends.  May 2, 2025