March 2025

Spring is here and my parents moved out of my house. Years back I would have felt devastated, abandoned but today I feel grateful for all the extra time I can spend with my husband and kids, most importantly, taking care of myself.

I started trying to fix my own breakfast, setting reminders to shower, forcing myself to snack and sit in the sun every afternoon but it's not easy.

It's very embarrassing and humiliating when my husband asks me if I have showered, or eaten, especially because I never know if I did either.

The road to recovery looks more like a lowcrawl up a rocky hill but I am determined to be me again. 

First gen American

Many people are now divided and up in arms about immigrants thanks in part for practices and policies that violate human rights and disseminate unethical attitudes and behaviors towards one another.

We live in a fast pace changing world and a culture that is volatile under the heavy winds of influence. 

I say that to express my concern and sadness, yes we came to this country to find better opportunities, to build a better life. Yes, many of our countrymen and women did so the wrong, unlawful way but the hatred all of us face is no joke.

I have been discriminated before, many times but instead of harboring hate towards a specific group of people I understood that there are bad apples in every basket and it is not the basket's fault. We were made different, that is something to be appreciated.

My wish for this nation, for this great nation under God is that we may find peace, first within our hearts, then amongst ourselves, thirdly amongst other nations. 

I know this is not possible for war lives in the heart of men like water inside a tree, yet I pray and continue to hope. 

LIVING WITH PTSD

I have PTSD. That is a fact that I wish I could change about my life. 

I no longer feel normal, nor do I look normal, and I long ago forgot what normal is.

I'm also at the point where I wonder if I need a service dog just to be inside the house.

This is why...

This morning (like any other morning) I woke up around four, that has always been the norm for me since I left home at 18 years old, so I grabbed my little praying mat and my little devotional book and sat on my desk trying to read. My husband saw me, he asked me if I was ok and what I was doing.

After a few pages I heard him rolling around under his weighted blanket (the thing has beads), simultaneously I heard someone walking slowly and heavily towards me. I was so focused on my reading (because concentration is a major task these days) that I didn't bother to turn around. However, I wanted to ask him if he could hear the elephant walking. 

That is when, out of the corner of my eye I caught a very tall figure dressed in all white, standing over my shoulder.

I FLIPPED THE F OUT.

...It was my husband, who I thought was still in bed. 

I cried. I panicked, then I felt angry with myself for not being able to control my reactions. You see, my brain is at war, it thinks everyone and everything is trying to attack and I don't know how to tell it to calm down, to feel safe, to disconnect from violence...

My brain does not feel safe even in my own home and I don't know how to change that.

I wish that was all that happened, but moments later, as I was still blowing my nose into a paper towel in the kitchen my ten year old son walks in telling me my daughter is no where to be found and that she has dissappeared from within the house. AT FOUR IN THE MORNING...

I found her, she was in the bathroom.

No, not everyday is this stupid in my house but little things that others are able to laugh off completely discombabulate me and then I'm destroyed for a few hours; trying to calm down, retracing my steps and figuring out how to "act normal"

Out the window went reading the devotional book, I just cried and told God what feeling broken is like, and the pain of being able to remember who I was before, how I was able to laugh and make friends, how I didn't have to explain myself and left the house in joy, not anguish.

 Mi gente: No pude soportarlo mas y deje de tomar pastillas.

("Pepa y agua pa la seca..."), no esas pastillas.

Los antidepresivos. 

Despues de tratar de convencer a mi psiquiatra en el Army de que estaba mejorando, que ya tenia efectos secundarios, que no era etico ni seguro mantenerme con la dosis maxima... me harte. (By the way: si alguien sabe como sacarle tilde a la E desde un teclado de laptop me avisa).

Los dolores constantes de cabeza, la presion en la cien, el chillido constante silvandome en la parte de atras de mi cerebro, el insomnio y el cansancio cronico me hartaron. Ya a lo ultimo me tomaba media pastilla y quedaba tonta, ida, casi zombie.

Aqui estoy, mi gente, veinticinco dias despues, lidiando con los sintomas y tratando de tener dias de colores en vez de tantos dias grises.

Will tune in soon!

Ansiedad

Llevo seis meses tomando antidepresivos.

Do they help? Most days. However, lately I have been experiencing anxiety attacks. Kinda like that time I thought I almost died in a plane... (that's a story for another day).

Como se sienten los ataques de panico? (Estoy buscando el signo de pregunta que abre, pero en este teclado Americano no crea que exista), un ataque de panico se siente exactamente (para mi) como lo que suena: Estas en una cocina pelando tomates a media luz, escuchando a Kenny G y depronto alguien salta por tu espalda y te hace cagar del susto... 

Excepto que no te puedes calmar, entiendes lo que esta sucediendo pero no sabes como calmarte.

La unica solucion que yo he encontrado es salir a caminar, alejarme de la situacion, enfocarme en algo verde: sean arboles o pasto, sean flores o nubes o pulgas.

ALGO.

I am learning to identify my triggers and that is the hardest part. Anything service or suicide related sets me off into panic, I feel like I can't breathe and all I wanna do is cry, scream, throw rocks at a building, then hide my head in the ground like an ostrich. 

Why me? Who knows but I have heard enough ministers say that this is never a smart question to ask. Naturally, I am starting to believe them.

I wish someone knew the secret: Maybe the answer lies deep inside of me and I am too distracted gardening and planning how to rehab my yard to pay attention.

...gardening calms my mind and that's all I know for now.

Also: Coffee doesn't help. Maybe I should lay down the Starbees...

 

Augusta, GA

Anoche estaba hablando con mi mama, quien siempre esta dispuesta a ofrecer su opinion, consejos y chistes a todo el que se le aproxima. Estábamos en la cocina y ella me pregunto por que la diferencia entre mi ex-esposo y mi esposo actual es tan inmensa. 

La verdad es que fue una idea consciente e intencional; cuando vi la posibilidad de enamorarme (aunque no quería) tuve que asegurarme de que esta vez iba a escoger con cabeza fría. 

Asi que hice una lista de todas las características de mi ex, buenas, malas o diabólicas.

Luego, puse una linea de division en la pagina de papel y empecé a escribir las características opuestas en frente del primer grupo.

Termine con una lista larga, pero muy placentera. Después de eso, encerré los adjetivos en un circulo grande y me dije a mi misma: si no esta en la lista, se tiene que ir!

Asi fue como conocí a Robert. El flaco, alto de ojos hundidos y con una barba de Vikingo espectacular!

El resto de la historia se escribirá pronto...

Mientras tanto, tengo un proyecto loco que me esta comiendo la mente (desafortunadamente no puedo dar pistas), pero tan pronto lo termine de cocinar estará en la pagina.

Pd: Gracias, Roberto por alcahuetearme todas mis locuras. 

On turning forty

Nada es tan aburrido como sentarse a esperar a que la vejez te alcance. 

Aveces me siento asi. Tuve grandes metas en mi vida y a medida que enfrentaba dificultades perdia las ganas de sonar. Asi me converti en una especie de zombie... alguien que va por la vida sin ganas de vivir. Podria culpar la depresion por mi estado mental y falta de energia pero yo misma renuncie, baje los brazos y me rendi ante la montana de dificultad arropada bajo la cobija del cansancio.

Creo que todos hemos estado alli. Afortunadamente tengo a mi madre: una mujer luchadora y que no se rinde, siempre con animos y energia para trabajar, siempre cocinando proyectos en su cabeza. Mi mama me inspira, me mueve y me reta aunque yo, la mayoria de las veces, no quisiera salir de la cama. 

Feliz cumpleanos a mi: Sobrevivir tambien es una victoria!